Opinions

Gossip is like a disease. You catch it and just have to spread it on. It grows and grows until it becomes this monster that devours friendships and so much more. Why do we spread it? Why do we choose to spread that which we do? It is in our nature. Even those I know who claim they never ever gossip do. They tell me things, but first they say, "Well, I'm not one to gossip..." Of course you are! Everybody talks about everybody. I get that. Totally.

However, what I don't get is when you bare your soul to someone and they spread the news, or when you hear about something someone is saying that is complete violation of your very character. I hate being made out to be some monster by certain people. None of it is true. But some people just have to spread the disease. To make them feel better about themselves? Because they are jealous? I would hope not being that this is family, but I guess you never know.

The criticism overwhelms me. And then all I can think is that nobody is gossiping the good stuff about me: making the Dean's list, finishing out the semester with good grades, my sons excellent development, etc. Nope it is all made up or stretched truth bad stuff.

But then I start thinking, why do I care? Why do I continue to work so hard to impress when I know it doesn't matter. Nothing I do is ever enough. I have tried to be the best at everything, and I get called a smart ass, know it all, even bitch. I have tried to help out, and it is not enough. I have tried to give great gifts, ranging from those with monetary value to sentimental value and NOTHING is ever enough. I am the favorite topic of discontent.

WHY? I ask! WHY?

I can't ever just be happy, because for certain people the bad can be found even the things that bring me the most joy. Talk of another baby? You shouldn't have another one, it just isn't a good idea. Dreams of my PhD? You'll never do it. When I was younger I was too thin, now I'm too fat (not that I disagree with this, I'm just making a point).

But then I still listen...why? why? WHY do I do it to myself? I have no self esteem anymore. I am completely dependent for reassurance that I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and just ENOUGH for anyone.

When does it stop? What can I possibly do to make everybody happy??? I know that is a stupid concept because it is impossible, but just once I would like to hear what GOOD is said behind my back instead of all the bad...