ICU

The ICU waiting room is not the place to be. Yes, there are lots of prayers and hope, but there is also so much sadness. However, we also rejoice when someone gets taken off a ventilator and then when they moved to a room. Every time someone gets good news, you are happy and a bit jealous. This morning I saw a guy, just a kid really, walking past Craig's room. WALKING! with help of course, he was out for nine days. We are on day 5. 5 Days here and they are telling us to give him through the weekend.

But back to the ICU waiting room:

Time is a funny thing here. It is partially frozen and partially flying by. It does tend to pass quickly, but it almost doesn't matter. When I am in Craig's room, I am counting breaths not seconds. In the waiting room I am just in a daze. I feel disconnected from the world, impatient, and so exhausted. When I step back and think, it is hard to believe it has been 5 days of this. How am I still breathing? How am I still sane??

Here we take things one moment at a time. There is no such thing as plans, we don't know what is going to happen or what the future holds. Being in the here and now, that is all that matters. The only plans we make is talking with family and discussing who is getting here when, and before we know it, that time is here.

We aren't allowed to talk about yesterday either. Whether yesterday was good or bad holds no bars for us, we can only focus on today and never compare. Because while it may seem that things are getting worse or better, we can never judge because there are too many factors playing a part.

So, ICU is not a good place to be, but right now and in this moment, there is nowhere else I need to be more and I am not leaving until my brother wakes up or my husband drags me out of here crying.

For my brother

So, I can't talk to my brother right now. I mean, I can, but I don't know that he can hear me, so I thought I would use my blog. Almost nobody reads it anyway.

Craig,

Right now you are sleeping in the ICU, as you have been for the last 5 days. I wish you would wake up, but I am afraid of that too because we don't know what damage you could have when you do wake up.

Yesterday I was singing Adele's "Make You Feel My Love" along with her on Pandora, sitting next to you, holding your hand and I started crying and I said to dad (who was sitting across from me) that I had never been so scared before. You started rubbing your thumb along my hand. I don't know if your body chose that time to stretch your thumb or if you were really trying to comfort me. We just don't know what is you and what is automatic reflexes. However, every little thing you do that seems like you gives me hope that all of this will get better.

Ashley is doing great. She is really responsive and may even come off the ventilator today, so we may be able to speak to her. I don't know what they are planning to tell her about you.

I miss you so much, Craig. I want to see you smile and hear your voice. I want to hear your normal smart ass remarks.

When you wake up, I want to see you more. I want Maddox to see you more. He is worried about you. I didn't want to tell him, but honesty is important as well. There is a fantastic picture of Mo sitting next to your bed in a frame. I want you to see that.

The drive to Hillsboro used to seem so far, so expensive, but not now. Saturday I thought I had lost you, big little brother and I was filled with regrets. Most of our memories are years old, and that is just not adequate.

All of this just seems surreal. I woke up this morning and looked around my hotel room and felt so confused. I knew where I was, but I just want this nightmare to be over. No family should have to go through this. I know you are doing all the fighting right now and you really are making progress, especially with the extent of your brain injuries, but of course, that is not fast enough for any of us.

I love you so much, Craig. I'm going to go hold your hand now and maybe dad and I will sing to you some more b/c that seems to bring you around a little bit. I keep trying to talk dad into singing some Garth because I know that would wake me up.

We are going to get through this.