Merry Freaking Christmas

I know I can't have it both ways. I don't really even want it both ways. I just want everybody to be happy. and I don't want to hurt him, but that is impossible.

Why do I feel bad? He is the one that put us here. He asks me what I want to be happy and I just don't know. There isn't anything else he can do, really. I told him all along what I needed and he never provided, and now it is just too late. Nothing he could do is enough and I feel bad because this is just wasting his time. Bad is an understatement, I feel horrible.

I have never felt so horrible. But I just have not been in love with him for quite some time and it is getting to the point that I am unnecessarily mean to him because even in all of this he isn't really trying. This is beyond frustrating. I want everything to just be fine.

I feel like I'm crazy. Maybe it is because I still love him, I'm just not in love with him. I'm exhausted with him. Part of me wants to keep pretending, but I can't do it anymore. My emotions are shot. Why does this have to be so difficult?

Merry freaking Christmas.

Choices

I find myself facing a decision. I have to choose one of two ways, really. There is no "continue on" either, it is one way or the other.

Neither way is really "easy" but one way would sure be simpler. However, I know it won't make me happy. But I also know that my other choice would mean that some major changes would have to happen, changes I am not sure I am ready to undertake. I've suddenly realized that I am not where I want to be in life and it is my fault. Granted, I have made some good choices, but bad ones, too. I want to undo the bad before it is too late, but it is scary.

I really don't think there is any way to take the road less traveled without drastic changes, mainly because I am unhappy and unmotivated. I know what I need to do, but I just cannot seem to drag myself to do it. I am so afraid to. I keep pretending like things are going to change, but I know deep down inside they just won't and really I am just making things worse for everyone involved....

I have begun to isolate myself because I don't want to hear everyone else's opinion anymore because I know what they are saying is right. BUT those that have the opposite opinion piss me off more because I know they are wrong and I can't believe that they would want that sort of future for me and my son.

I have to figure this out. But how? It is like ripping the fabric of the universe...