Gossip is like a disease. You catch it and just have to spread it on. It grows and grows until it becomes this monster that devours friendships and so much more. Why do we spread it? Why do we choose to spread that which we do? It is in our nature. Even those I know who claim they never ever gossip do. They tell me things, but first they say, "Well, I'm not one to gossip..." Of course you are! Everybody talks about everybody. I get that. Totally.
However, what I don't get is when you bare your soul to someone and they spread the news, or when you hear about something someone is saying that is complete violation of your very character. I hate being made out to be some monster by certain people. None of it is true. But some people just have to spread the disease. To make them feel better about themselves? Because they are jealous? I would hope not being that this is family, but I guess you never know.
The criticism overwhelms me. And then all I can think is that nobody is gossiping the good stuff about me: making the Dean's list, finishing out the semester with good grades, my sons excellent development, etc. Nope it is all made up or stretched truth bad stuff.
But then I start thinking, why do I care? Why do I continue to work so hard to impress when I know it doesn't matter. Nothing I do is ever enough. I have tried to be the best at everything, and I get called a smart ass, know it all, even bitch. I have tried to help out, and it is not enough. I have tried to give great gifts, ranging from those with monetary value to sentimental value and NOTHING is ever enough. I am the favorite topic of discontent.
WHY? I ask! WHY?
I can't ever just be happy, because for certain people the bad can be found even the things that bring me the most joy. Talk of another baby? You shouldn't have another one, it just isn't a good idea. Dreams of my PhD? You'll never do it. When I was younger I was too thin, now I'm too fat (not that I disagree with this, I'm just making a point).
But then I still listen...why? why? WHY do I do it to myself? I have no self esteem anymore. I am completely dependent for reassurance that I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and just ENOUGH for anyone.
When does it stop? What can I possibly do to make everybody happy??? I know that is a stupid concept because it is impossible, but just once I would like to hear what GOOD is said behind my back instead of all the bad...
10.5.10
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Posted by madmomma at 21:12
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3 comments:
Court, we, me and you have our ups and downs, but through it all you are there for me and i am there for you!!! I have said this before, you are and have always been a true honest friend to me!!! you have done so much for my children when jerm and i were separated and for me too!!!! you are an awesome wife!!!! and maddox loves you you have given him so many memories already and have taught that child sooo much and on top of this you are in school getting excellent grades!! my hat is off to you!!! and please know i am not just saying this because of this blog i am saying this because you need to know how i feel about you!!! i love you and i am sorry what has happened to you!!! this is why i hardly see my family because i am done with the negativity!!! i love you and i guess we need to hang out so you can vent!!! i will try not to get mad, ask robert today at lunch i was seriously getting upset and aggravated!!!! but its because i love you dearly and i dont want to see you hurt like this especially from your family!!!!
Ever heard this saying? "A prophet is a prophet except in his own home?" This is so true for everyone I know. You can be an amazing person you can be the president of the united states and still you are just so and so from anywhere usa to your family. Going to school is work!! raising a child successfully is work! making a marriage is work! you work!! maybe you don't pull down a paycheck, maybe there is no monetary gain from what you are doing but you are working at a job that is the most rewarding not just for yourself but for your society. Think about the great cathedrals of Europe..those people countless people unamed people artisan of the utmost extreme took time and energy to build something that stood for more than just religion. None of them got credit for thier work, none of them revered for thier artistry but yet they continued on for generations building and carving and putting thier blood, sweat, and tears into these great cathedrals for EVERYONES benefit. You are like those people courtney..you are building a cathedral and while your own family may not appreciate that work, there are others that will come along and see your artistry for what it is and God will see and you will be rewarded. When Maddox grows up and cures cancer that will be your reward, when his wife thanks you for all the good you did in raising him that will be your reward, when you achieve your dream that will be your reward. Let the naysayers have thier say..they will be rewarded for thier actions as well.
Wrainbeau, you made me cry! Thank you!
I love you, Steph!
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