Exhausted

I called McDonalds last week and told them I could work anything. They won't hire me. I lied on my application and said I don't have a bachelor's degree. I've applied for all sorts of jobs, including ones that would actually use my degree. My beautiful degree that I worked my butt off for. I sacrificed time with my family, birthday parties, going out with my friends, sleeping in, spending alone time with my husband...and so many other things. And let's not even talk about the money. The one thing school did give me was sanity while I was going. It kept me busy, gave me something to working towards. I have to have that!! I need to have goals and work and something to look forward to. It also gave me some great friends, including my best friend. But it sure isn't helping me get a job. Before I had my degree I thought that once I had it I could just go get a job. Boy was I wrong.

Now I am so frustrated. I need money, but not only that, I need something. I was never meant to be a full time SAHM. I mean, I love so much of it and it would be great if Robert made tons of money and we could afford to go do things, but I don't even have a vehicle to take my son places. I do the best with what I have, but it still gets so lonely. I tell people to please call me and come see me and some do, but others don't. Getting my puppy Belle has helped a ton, honestly, she keeps me busy.

I love our home out here, but I have one friend that spends time with me (two if you count my sister, which I do, but she is family) and then my mother in law, but now she has new friends that she hangs out with. I miss my friends back in the city. I miss having a life. I miss school. But my marriage is better out here (b/c Robert has a job and isn't depressed anymore) and I'm healthier because I eat out less and drink less (which is the only good side effect of having no friends to hang out with).

I'm just venting...there really isn't anything I can do. I'm just learning that I can't have it all.

ICU

The ICU waiting room is not the place to be. Yes, there are lots of prayers and hope, but there is also so much sadness. However, we also rejoice when someone gets taken off a ventilator and then when they moved to a room. Every time someone gets good news, you are happy and a bit jealous. This morning I saw a guy, just a kid really, walking past Craig's room. WALKING! with help of course, he was out for nine days. We are on day 5. 5 Days here and they are telling us to give him through the weekend.

But back to the ICU waiting room:

Time is a funny thing here. It is partially frozen and partially flying by. It does tend to pass quickly, but it almost doesn't matter. When I am in Craig's room, I am counting breaths not seconds. In the waiting room I am just in a daze. I feel disconnected from the world, impatient, and so exhausted. When I step back and think, it is hard to believe it has been 5 days of this. How am I still breathing? How am I still sane??

Here we take things one moment at a time. There is no such thing as plans, we don't know what is going to happen or what the future holds. Being in the here and now, that is all that matters. The only plans we make is talking with family and discussing who is getting here when, and before we know it, that time is here.

We aren't allowed to talk about yesterday either. Whether yesterday was good or bad holds no bars for us, we can only focus on today and never compare. Because while it may seem that things are getting worse or better, we can never judge because there are too many factors playing a part.

So, ICU is not a good place to be, but right now and in this moment, there is nowhere else I need to be more and I am not leaving until my brother wakes up or my husband drags me out of here crying.

For my brother

So, I can't talk to my brother right now. I mean, I can, but I don't know that he can hear me, so I thought I would use my blog. Almost nobody reads it anyway.

Craig,

Right now you are sleeping in the ICU, as you have been for the last 5 days. I wish you would wake up, but I am afraid of that too because we don't know what damage you could have when you do wake up.

Yesterday I was singing Adele's "Make You Feel My Love" along with her on Pandora, sitting next to you, holding your hand and I started crying and I said to dad (who was sitting across from me) that I had never been so scared before. You started rubbing your thumb along my hand. I don't know if your body chose that time to stretch your thumb or if you were really trying to comfort me. We just don't know what is you and what is automatic reflexes. However, every little thing you do that seems like you gives me hope that all of this will get better.

Ashley is doing great. She is really responsive and may even come off the ventilator today, so we may be able to speak to her. I don't know what they are planning to tell her about you.

I miss you so much, Craig. I want to see you smile and hear your voice. I want to hear your normal smart ass remarks.

When you wake up, I want to see you more. I want Maddox to see you more. He is worried about you. I didn't want to tell him, but honesty is important as well. There is a fantastic picture of Mo sitting next to your bed in a frame. I want you to see that.

The drive to Hillsboro used to seem so far, so expensive, but not now. Saturday I thought I had lost you, big little brother and I was filled with regrets. Most of our memories are years old, and that is just not adequate.

All of this just seems surreal. I woke up this morning and looked around my hotel room and felt so confused. I knew where I was, but I just want this nightmare to be over. No family should have to go through this. I know you are doing all the fighting right now and you really are making progress, especially with the extent of your brain injuries, but of course, that is not fast enough for any of us.

I love you so much, Craig. I'm going to go hold your hand now and maybe dad and I will sing to you some more b/c that seems to bring you around a little bit. I keep trying to talk dad into singing some Garth because I know that would wake me up.

We are going to get through this.

Seasons

Less than a year ago, I wanted to leave my husband. Things were just horrible and you can read back in this blog for more details, but I will sum it up as the worst time of my life. I was trying everything to change things, but now I realize that he had to change on his own. Well, good news, it has happened!

We are both working now, which alleviates a lot of stress. Knowing that we now hold the ability to better our situation makes things so much easier. Neither of us are making lots, but Robert knows that just by working a little overtime, our income soars to levels that put us above and beyond our needed income and I believe that power has brought him out of his deep, dark depression.

This isn't to say things are perfect, when he does work late I am stuck home without a vehicle and this is very difficult, to say the least. Luckily we now live closer to our parents, so the moms give me rides around town, which I appreciate immensely, but at the same time feel horrible for. I hate mooching, but at this point the money just isn't there to get me a car. And it won't be for a while because I must get my wisdom teeth pulled ASAP. The dentist told me once they start getting infected, it will only keep coming back until they are pulled.

Anyway, on to more positive stuff, I have lost over 16 pounds since moving. Robert has gained that working at a desk job (lol) but hopefully soon I will talk him into walking with me at the park. It is nearly fall, and today really feels like it. I honestly could not be happier (well, unless I had a car, but we can't have everything). Things are finally looking up and I owe it to my family and friends that have been there supporting me through the last couple of years, which looking back were even more difficult than I was admitting at the time.

I don't know where I would be without the support of several people that were always there to listen to me and hold me while I cried and one in particular that would drop everything and come over when I needed her.

I just hope that things continue to get better and I know that everything we have been through has made us stronger as a family and I suppose that makes it all worth it.

Enough is Enough

When do you just throw in the towel? How do you know when you have done everything you can possibly do and it is time to just give up?

I'm sick of playing and pretending and constantly pushing and pushing just to keep things happy around here. I'm sick of trying to talk, offering to listen, and getting nothing back but "It's nothing." I'm extemely tired of no support in my endeavors.

I really think this marriage is making me miserable. I keep trying to grin and bear it, but how much can one person take?

I've tried everything I can do by myself (including the Love Dare book, Elizabeth) and nothing gets better. He's seen this blog and I really think he tries to fake it, too, but I'm starting to think he isn't happy either. Could it be possible that there is nothing left to do?

So, let me report on how the Love Dare book went: I was excited to read it, and even though I'm not religious and there were a few aspects I didn't agree with, the overall message was good. So, I tried it and did everything it said to for a week, but at the end of that week, things were worse! But I kept reading it and following it and trying to do as the book told me, but another week passed and I was in tears b/c I was beginning to realize just how much effort I had been putting into this marriage. The thing was, honestly, most of what the Love Dare book was telling me to do (call my hubby during the day for no reason, not say negative things to him, buy him something special to show I was thinking of him, even praying for him) I had done on a regular basis up until this point. But I finished the book, yay me, and nothing was different. If anything, things are worse. I don't want my marriage to be a bust, but I've realized I can't change him as a person. He is who he is and that is it.

My husband doesn't want to be healthy like I do, so I need to take the steps to do it by myself and resist the temptation of the crap he brings home to tempt me with. He wants to sit on the couch and just watch television all the time, so I need to take the initiative by myself and go and live life without trying to make him come along.

The problem is, I want a partner that wants to enjoy life with me on a daily basis. I want to have fun and go for walks and be encouraged to eat healthy and exercise, if not share that experience with the man I love. Maybe I'm asking too much.

But beyond that, I want someone that is willing to work as hard as I have to hold our marriage together. Is that not alone enough to allow me to question this whole thing?

It Gets Better?

I read the most amazing blog yesterday on www.thestranger.com entitled, Hello, I am Fat (I tried to link this, but it would not work!)

So this blog really got me thinking. Most of what us fat people are told is to guilt us into doing everything in our power and spending every last dime we have in pursuit of thinness. Now, I'm not saying that I or any other individual that is obese doesn't need to lose weight, but I'm taking a different perspective on it. Perhaps the biggest problem in our country is not only based on what we eat, but how we are treated for being the way we are. Even when you are trying to lose weight, you still get cut down by others. I mean, seriously, you feel worthless to society until you reach that "ideal" weight. Your life sucks until you are thin (or at least this is what we are told) and things will magically get better when your dress size is in the single digits.

My question is, why can't I enjoy my life now? How do others know that you aren't in the process of changing your life? Why should they care? Why is everyone in this country so damned obsessed with what I eat, my activity level, etc? You cannot look at a person and know their diet. I pretty much never eat fast food and rarely drink soda, but yet that is what I get told to cut out of my diet by people. You don't know me! You don't know my situation. Shut the hell up!

This society pushes to the point that many people start thinking, "Well, why do I try? I'll never be perfect and my life sucks." So they give up and just keep living the way they are. I'm all for eating healthy and being active, but the key, I believe, is to start living the life you keep envisioning for yourself once you become thin now!!! Why can't I go for walks with my son? or go out with friends? My waist size should not define me, but I (and so many other fat women) allow it to!!!

I am always inspired when I see a confident curvy woman. I don't think, "Wow, she really needs to lose weight." or "I wonder if she is planning on staying fat?" No, I think, "Oh my goodness, I am so jealous of her confidence. I want to be her." How incredibly strange is that???? I loathe my body, but I see a woman around the same size as me that is holding herself with confidence and I want to be HER not b/c of her looks necessarily, but b/c of her attitude. Why can't I be confident in myself? I think I can.

So, the moral of my story is, screw everybody else that is worried about you. Or that you think is worried about you. Just be proud that you care enough about your body to make differences and appreciate the body you have. If it changes drastically, great, but if not, just keep living your life and you may not be as obsessed or depressed anymore. :)

Merry Freaking Christmas

I know I can't have it both ways. I don't really even want it both ways. I just want everybody to be happy. and I don't want to hurt him, but that is impossible.

Why do I feel bad? He is the one that put us here. He asks me what I want to be happy and I just don't know. There isn't anything else he can do, really. I told him all along what I needed and he never provided, and now it is just too late. Nothing he could do is enough and I feel bad because this is just wasting his time. Bad is an understatement, I feel horrible.

I have never felt so horrible. But I just have not been in love with him for quite some time and it is getting to the point that I am unnecessarily mean to him because even in all of this he isn't really trying. This is beyond frustrating. I want everything to just be fine.

I feel like I'm crazy. Maybe it is because I still love him, I'm just not in love with him. I'm exhausted with him. Part of me wants to keep pretending, but I can't do it anymore. My emotions are shot. Why does this have to be so difficult?

Merry freaking Christmas.