Journals

For my counseling class I have to write two journals per week. We are given topics to write on, which is not so bad. I figured I would put a couple on here (the ones I don't mind sharing) just because I hate to waste that much time just for my teacher to see it:

Chapter 1
Wow, picking out my worst traits is not easy. Well, I do not want to admit that it is easy. To put it nicely, I am a bossy, short-tempered, impatient control freak. These same traits could be translated into being positive: I know what I want, when I want it, how I want it, and I want it yesterday or sooner, if possible. Does that not sound a little better? These traits could of course not fare too well in an environment that normally fosters long term results rather than short term or immediate ones.
Controlling could definitely become an issue when working with clients. I already see myself trying to tell people how to solve their problem instead of helping them work towards it. This is something that has actually caused me to seek the help of a professional to overcome. I am trying to figure out my own “stuff” so I can help others.
So, one may ask, why do I have an interest in becoming a counselor? That would be due to my positive traits. I am compassionate about my work, empathetic towards others and their particular situations and I am excellent at taking in the whole picture before making a judgment. I think before I act, I just think much more quickly than the normal person.
I do fear that my want to control all situations will get in the way. How do I change this? I do not want to give up control. In all honesty, beyond my career choice, I do not see where giving up my control will benefit me. Thus far in life it has served me well. I have an inability to trust other people to make the proper decisions. I take nothing anyone says at face value, I question everything. I do not question outwardly, but I do play it out in my head to see if it makes sense, and then I observe and pay attention to see if the story holds. This trait cannot be good for counseling, but maybe it can.
I see through people when they are lying. Is this really such a horrible thing? I am almost never wrong when my sixth sense kicks in and tells me to not trust, at least not that I know of. So, maybe I should fear this trait less and use it to my advantage. Since I am going into rehab counseling, maybe it will serve me very well.

Clean Break

I decided a long time ago to rid my life of negativity. Slowly, my life has been evolving to the place I want it to be.

I began by severing ties with the most negative people in my life, or at least I thought so. However, there are some ties that I have a hard time breaking, as well as those that I just don't feel able to at all. Of course, there is nothing to be done about family, but there are still toxic people I should shake.

Why do I feel bad about breaking these relationships? Because I feel like I am a bad person if I do so. However, I also feel physically ill when I think of how stressful just being in these types of relationships are. Emotionally, I don't have the energy to deal with it. Nobody is perfect, but some people are such leeches on others that they can literally cause an emotional drain when you are around them.

Negativity is contagious, to the extreme. I have done my best to choose positivity and honesty, but it is difficult. I become overly frustrated when the lies start flying. Backstabbing is the least of my concerns. I long ago learned to not put my trust into anyone. It is freeing to think that I don't have to put up with this...

But at the same time I still feel like I do.

Perhaps I feel like the transition into the person I want to be is too scary.

There is another side to this, of course. But also on that side is the stunted growth. Some people are content being miserable and have no desire to grow into better people. They are happy with the mediocre life they have, or at least they are content being miserable. Sounds contradictory? Actually, no. I believe some people enjoy having others feel sorry for them. They feed on it. Instead of trying to better their situation, they consciously or subconsciously look for the next thing to go wrong so they can say, "Poor, pitiful me" and everybody comes running with sympathy.

I have a nearly complete internal locus of control. I believe that I control 95% of what is going on in my life, where I am going, where I have been, etc. I also think that everybody else has this much control, but they choose to not take it. I don't always take as much control as I should, but I recognize those failures as my own. Some things are out of your hands, but you can control how you react to those things, as well as how much control you let those things have over your life.

Many of the toxics in my life act as though they have 50% or less control over their own lives. Above all else, I would not want to raise my son to think that he has this little of control. What is the point of living if you have that little of control over what happens to you?

So, in theory, if I want to grow into being this ideal, I need to stop allowing others to bring me down. This is harder said than done. Perhaps a slow transition will work better than a clean break.

I guess we shall see.