Merry Freaking Christmas

I know I can't have it both ways. I don't really even want it both ways. I just want everybody to be happy. and I don't want to hurt him, but that is impossible.

Why do I feel bad? He is the one that put us here. He asks me what I want to be happy and I just don't know. There isn't anything else he can do, really. I told him all along what I needed and he never provided, and now it is just too late. Nothing he could do is enough and I feel bad because this is just wasting his time. Bad is an understatement, I feel horrible.

I have never felt so horrible. But I just have not been in love with him for quite some time and it is getting to the point that I am unnecessarily mean to him because even in all of this he isn't really trying. This is beyond frustrating. I want everything to just be fine.

I feel like I'm crazy. Maybe it is because I still love him, I'm just not in love with him. I'm exhausted with him. Part of me wants to keep pretending, but I can't do it anymore. My emotions are shot. Why does this have to be so difficult?

Merry freaking Christmas.

Choices

I find myself facing a decision. I have to choose one of two ways, really. There is no "continue on" either, it is one way or the other.

Neither way is really "easy" but one way would sure be simpler. However, I know it won't make me happy. But I also know that my other choice would mean that some major changes would have to happen, changes I am not sure I am ready to undertake. I've suddenly realized that I am not where I want to be in life and it is my fault. Granted, I have made some good choices, but bad ones, too. I want to undo the bad before it is too late, but it is scary.

I really don't think there is any way to take the road less traveled without drastic changes, mainly because I am unhappy and unmotivated. I know what I need to do, but I just cannot seem to drag myself to do it. I am so afraid to. I keep pretending like things are going to change, but I know deep down inside they just won't and really I am just making things worse for everyone involved....

I have begun to isolate myself because I don't want to hear everyone else's opinion anymore because I know what they are saying is right. BUT those that have the opposite opinion piss me off more because I know they are wrong and I can't believe that they would want that sort of future for me and my son.

I have to figure this out. But how? It is like ripping the fabric of the universe...

Rantings of a Desperate Housewife

I told the doctor I have nothing to be depressed about, but that was totally a lie. I do. Husband of mine has yet to look for a new job. I am so beyond frustrated.

And it is so much more than that, he just procrastinates like crazy. Not in a cute way either. I hate it, I really do. I have just ignored this for FOUR years. We lost our house, no we lost our home. I don't mind downsizing, it is nice to live within our means, but it would have been nicer had our means changed instead of our lives.

We decided that it would be more affordable for us to get rid of my car because it needed tons of repairs to make it legal anyway. Driving it makes me nervous because of its issues and the fact that it is not legal. So, I have no car now. I realize I helped make this decision, but it's not like I wanted to make it.

If I try to talk to him in the calmest way possible he suddenly has to do something else. Or he will sit and listen and just say, "I don't know" WTF??? How can you just not know???? I want bigger, better things. I have tried to find a job, but I don't have a degree like he does (yet). I want my son to have a quality education and I don't want to have to worry about bills. That was the whole plan behind him going to school first and finishing. But not a dang thing came of it.

What am I supposed to do? I have eluded to the idea that I could leave him in the past. But he knows I can't now. I have no job, no vehicle, no credit, nothing. Not to mention that fact that I still love him. I love him so much it kills me.

He said everything would be different when we moved. He said that as soon as he got his computer set up over here he would look for a job. He said that we would be happier and do things.

Granted, I have been sick lately (though this could be from all the stress of having a husband that just doesn't give a crap) so we haven't been doing as much as I would like. And I have school and he works. I get it. I really do. But at the same time, how hard is it to put in just a little bit of effort?

I have had friends and family alike tell him or me about jobs for him and he doesn't even glance at them. He'll say, "I'll look at it later. " and it never happens. Seriously, somebody tells me about a job, I am immediately on the computer and applied for it within 20 minutes.

I have asked him what it is going to take, and he has no response. Do we need to end up living in his parent's basement? Oh, no, that will not happen. Not that I don't love his parents, I do, but I have no desire to live out there.

Some may ask why don't I just look for a job for him. I have. I have scoured over job postings and sent him hundreds, only for him to say he would apply later or that he wasn't qualified for the position. So, I ask him, what the hell does he want to do? He doesn't know. Well, he is almost 27 years old, it is time to figure it out. The job he finds does not have to be his dream job, but rather something, anything!!!! I'm not looking for my dream job, I don't even know what that is yet.

Best part: he had his dream job there in front of him, but it was his procrastination that cost him it. It took him about 6 months to hand his resume over to the guy that could have gotten that dream job, and not long after that the company threw up a hiring freeze.

Now I don't think anybody would hire him. He has had his degree for 4 years and done nothing with it. But how could he even know that?

I am so freaking sick and tired of this, but I only have myself to blame. Why did I put up with this as long as I have?

Oh, and the part that is upsetting me a lot right now is that we were talking about trying for another baby starting now, well until now b/c we lost the house and all. So now Robert says he doesn't even want another baby. I do, but....oh, God I can't even put that.

Butterfly

When I was young, I wrote a poem about wanting to be a butterfly. I was teased because a butterfly only lives for a very short amount of time. However, maybe that still rings true. Perhaps I want to be a unique sort of butterfly whose life stages last for years and years.

Up until a year or so ago, I was just a caterpillar going along taking in the world and learning more about myself and the type of person I want to be. Now I have entered into a type of chrysalis, where I am meditating on my future.

In my poem, I said that I wanted to be free to fly, to go where I wanted to go and be who I wanted to be. Someday I will reach that stage and I can fly free without worrying what others think of me.

For now, I have to meditate on what will make me happy.

Here is the poem I wrote today:

The river flows

I met you years ago

Meant to be it would seem

All was great

We had our trials

Through it all we survived

The river flows

Our love grew, was sealed and spread

Metamorphosis began

Like a butterfly

Change

Grown apart

lost

It doesn't feel real.

In two weeks we will be leaving our home for a small apartment.

There are some things I'm looking forward to: smaller bills, a pool, nice neighborhood to take walks in, and just a simpler life. However, I have to sell so many things. Plus, moving itself is a pain.

I suppose it just hasn't hit me full force either. Well, that isn't true. When we went to look at the apartment and sign the lease, oh it hit me. Seeing that tiny place, four rooms, ugh. We lived in an apartment before with two dogs and a cat, and it was a one bedroom, but I'm just so confused about it. I am looking forward to painting and decorating, but then we have to live there.

Did I mention it is on the top floor? Ugh.

This whole situation is just not fair. But we could have gone the easy route, there were people (many, in fact) that offered to help with our bills, but we didn't want to do that. We want to do it on our own, unlike so many others that we know.

So, I am just hoping that we can sell the things we need to so that we can start buying the stuff we need for the apartment. And maybe in two weeks, I'll be ok.

Opinions

Gossip is like a disease. You catch it and just have to spread it on. It grows and grows until it becomes this monster that devours friendships and so much more. Why do we spread it? Why do we choose to spread that which we do? It is in our nature. Even those I know who claim they never ever gossip do. They tell me things, but first they say, "Well, I'm not one to gossip..." Of course you are! Everybody talks about everybody. I get that. Totally.

However, what I don't get is when you bare your soul to someone and they spread the news, or when you hear about something someone is saying that is complete violation of your very character. I hate being made out to be some monster by certain people. None of it is true. But some people just have to spread the disease. To make them feel better about themselves? Because they are jealous? I would hope not being that this is family, but I guess you never know.

The criticism overwhelms me. And then all I can think is that nobody is gossiping the good stuff about me: making the Dean's list, finishing out the semester with good grades, my sons excellent development, etc. Nope it is all made up or stretched truth bad stuff.

But then I start thinking, why do I care? Why do I continue to work so hard to impress when I know it doesn't matter. Nothing I do is ever enough. I have tried to be the best at everything, and I get called a smart ass, know it all, even bitch. I have tried to help out, and it is not enough. I have tried to give great gifts, ranging from those with monetary value to sentimental value and NOTHING is ever enough. I am the favorite topic of discontent.

WHY? I ask! WHY?

I can't ever just be happy, because for certain people the bad can be found even the things that bring me the most joy. Talk of another baby? You shouldn't have another one, it just isn't a good idea. Dreams of my PhD? You'll never do it. When I was younger I was too thin, now I'm too fat (not that I disagree with this, I'm just making a point).

But then I still listen...why? why? WHY do I do it to myself? I have no self esteem anymore. I am completely dependent for reassurance that I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and just ENOUGH for anyone.

When does it stop? What can I possibly do to make everybody happy??? I know that is a stupid concept because it is impossible, but just once I would like to hear what GOOD is said behind my back instead of all the bad...

Rainy Days

Sometimes I like rainy days. Summer rain is the best, especially when there is no wind, maybe just a breeze, and I can have the windows open.

Storms are the best. I can always tell when it is going to storm, even hours before it happens. There is an electricity to the air, it makes me feel tingly. The air becomes thick with anticipation, and it always makes the fans in my house whir a little...differently. Normally this happens the day before night storms. Night storms are beautiful, they light up the sky and rumble the ground.

When I was little, I feared storms. I had good reason to, though. We lived in the flat lands and tornadoes were always a threat. Now it is a little different. There is a fear of tornadoes, but I have become so educated in the anatomy of storms that I understand them better. Plus, living in the hills of Missouri gives me a bit more comfort.

Today is a dreary rain. A late winter rain that is teasing us with a slight coolness, almost as if nature is saying, "Spring is almost here! Can you not feel it?"

Oh, I can feel it.

The only thing I love more than spring is autumn. Oh, autumn is beautiful and there is a crispness to the air that is found no other time of year. I despise the depth of summer and more than despise winter, but those in between times of spring and autumn are gorgeous. When nature can't decide if it wants to be hot or cold, and all so often settles in the middle. I want to live where it is like that year round.

People tell me all the time, "But you would miss the seasons! What would you do without snow? You can't go swimming unless it is really hot out." My answer? No, I would certainly not miss the seasons. I abhor snow and could live happily ever after without ever seeing it again. And summer? Bleh, hot summer days are long and cause very high electric bills.

No, I could be very happy without the two extremes. Give me an open house with panoramic ocean views and that would make me happy. Oh, to dream.

what might have been

The hubby and I had a nice lunch today. We had a nice conversation, too. We were just talking and he said that sometimes he wonders what his life would have been like had we not married and had a kid. I asked him what he saw and he said that he would probably be playing a lot of video games, but his house would look much the same. I said he would probably weight 300 pounds, too!

He asked me what my life would be. I said I would probably be about 120 pounds, be living in a beach house with my golden retriever Max and I would have a David Boreanaz look a like boyfriend. My house would be more eclectic, more me. Fresh flowers, canopy bed, vibrant colors, bookshelves everywhere, a breakfast nook just for reading and writing (because I would of course be a writer). I would not have a television at all. I watch a lot of TV, but really only because there is nothing else to do. I could easily live without the thing though.

I could go on and on about my gourmet kitchen and crazy social life, but why? I really do appreciate what I have, but I can't help but wonder how things could have turned out differently. I am fulfilling that "mommy" "wifey" side of me, but that other crazy, eccentric side is crying to get out!

Why can't I have it all? I really don't know. It feels like it has to be all or nothing. I mean, I am a bit eccentric and rebellious now, but only to an extent. I still feel like I could be so much more, but I have to make compromises. See the muted tones of my home, the ever present television...one step at a time I suppose.

Novel

Back in the day, I used to love to write. I had a dream of writing a novel someday. Now I am thinking about writing that novel. If I get published, I want to use the money to open my all boy store! Dream upon a dream.

So here is my book idea so far:

Title: Can't tell you, I would have to kill you

Plot: Well, pretty much a novel about my life and what goes on in my life. Honestly, it could be quite interesting! Sort of my take on life, my perspective. I plan to write it under a pseudonym because I will reveal all! So, even if I DO get published, none of my friends will ever know!! Trust me, it will be interesting. I would read this book mainly just to know that there are other people like me....however, if there are not other people like me, I might be in trouble!!!

Journals

For my counseling class I have to write two journals per week. We are given topics to write on, which is not so bad. I figured I would put a couple on here (the ones I don't mind sharing) just because I hate to waste that much time just for my teacher to see it:

Chapter 1
Wow, picking out my worst traits is not easy. Well, I do not want to admit that it is easy. To put it nicely, I am a bossy, short-tempered, impatient control freak. These same traits could be translated into being positive: I know what I want, when I want it, how I want it, and I want it yesterday or sooner, if possible. Does that not sound a little better? These traits could of course not fare too well in an environment that normally fosters long term results rather than short term or immediate ones.
Controlling could definitely become an issue when working with clients. I already see myself trying to tell people how to solve their problem instead of helping them work towards it. This is something that has actually caused me to seek the help of a professional to overcome. I am trying to figure out my own “stuff” so I can help others.
So, one may ask, why do I have an interest in becoming a counselor? That would be due to my positive traits. I am compassionate about my work, empathetic towards others and their particular situations and I am excellent at taking in the whole picture before making a judgment. I think before I act, I just think much more quickly than the normal person.
I do fear that my want to control all situations will get in the way. How do I change this? I do not want to give up control. In all honesty, beyond my career choice, I do not see where giving up my control will benefit me. Thus far in life it has served me well. I have an inability to trust other people to make the proper decisions. I take nothing anyone says at face value, I question everything. I do not question outwardly, but I do play it out in my head to see if it makes sense, and then I observe and pay attention to see if the story holds. This trait cannot be good for counseling, but maybe it can.
I see through people when they are lying. Is this really such a horrible thing? I am almost never wrong when my sixth sense kicks in and tells me to not trust, at least not that I know of. So, maybe I should fear this trait less and use it to my advantage. Since I am going into rehab counseling, maybe it will serve me very well.

Clean Break

I decided a long time ago to rid my life of negativity. Slowly, my life has been evolving to the place I want it to be.

I began by severing ties with the most negative people in my life, or at least I thought so. However, there are some ties that I have a hard time breaking, as well as those that I just don't feel able to at all. Of course, there is nothing to be done about family, but there are still toxic people I should shake.

Why do I feel bad about breaking these relationships? Because I feel like I am a bad person if I do so. However, I also feel physically ill when I think of how stressful just being in these types of relationships are. Emotionally, I don't have the energy to deal with it. Nobody is perfect, but some people are such leeches on others that they can literally cause an emotional drain when you are around them.

Negativity is contagious, to the extreme. I have done my best to choose positivity and honesty, but it is difficult. I become overly frustrated when the lies start flying. Backstabbing is the least of my concerns. I long ago learned to not put my trust into anyone. It is freeing to think that I don't have to put up with this...

But at the same time I still feel like I do.

Perhaps I feel like the transition into the person I want to be is too scary.

There is another side to this, of course. But also on that side is the stunted growth. Some people are content being miserable and have no desire to grow into better people. They are happy with the mediocre life they have, or at least they are content being miserable. Sounds contradictory? Actually, no. I believe some people enjoy having others feel sorry for them. They feed on it. Instead of trying to better their situation, they consciously or subconsciously look for the next thing to go wrong so they can say, "Poor, pitiful me" and everybody comes running with sympathy.

I have a nearly complete internal locus of control. I believe that I control 95% of what is going on in my life, where I am going, where I have been, etc. I also think that everybody else has this much control, but they choose to not take it. I don't always take as much control as I should, but I recognize those failures as my own. Some things are out of your hands, but you can control how you react to those things, as well as how much control you let those things have over your life.

Many of the toxics in my life act as though they have 50% or less control over their own lives. Above all else, I would not want to raise my son to think that he has this little of control. What is the point of living if you have that little of control over what happens to you?

So, in theory, if I want to grow into being this ideal, I need to stop allowing others to bring me down. This is harder said than done. Perhaps a slow transition will work better than a clean break.

I guess we shall see.

My Perception of Mental Illness in Society

This is a paper I had to write for school. Figured I would post it on here since I haven't posted anything in a while, and I don't feel like writing anything new today.

My mother was diagnosed with a mental illness many years ago. When I told close friends that this was why she was different, they would then begin to refer to her as my “crazy” mom. In fact, even some of my newer friends do this, quite often, but I have never said anything because that has been my life. Since she refused treatment, the illness really did seem to define my daily life, but now I realize that it does not have to.

A new campaign caught my eye the other day. It is called “Bring Change 2 Mind” and uses celebrity sponsors, such as Glenn Close, to bring attention to the negative impact societal biases have on the mentally ill and their families. My only concern is that phrases like “you’re crazy” and “he/she is whacked in the head” will override the idea that mental illness does not define a person.

However, trying to change the public’s mind will not work unless the minds of government and the like are changed, too. Mental illness must be seen as just that: an illness. While government programs are getting better at recognizing that extra help is needed, they nowhere near give enough, and the public supports this idea because they do not want to waste their tax dollars on “crazy people” or “maniacs”.

So often when I discuss my interests in psychology and neuroscience, I am told that it is all just stupid or that most people are faking it for attention. While I take into consideration that the majority of people do not have an understanding of how the human brain functions, it still frustrates me. These stigmas will disappear only when people realize that you cannot just “get over” depression, take a pill to cure schizophrenia, or use prayer to cleanse the body of the “evil demons” that cause bipolar disorder.

Perhaps it is out of a fear that people ignore the evidence before them that mental illnesses are real. For if such illnesses exist, it is then possible for anyone to wake up one day and not have complete control of his or her own feelings, and then they would have to actually show so called “weakness” by seeking professional help for this problem from the very people they have spent years trying to disprove. I guess that would scare me, too.

The social stigmas surrounding mental illness have changed dramatically over the last few decades, but many stereotypes remain stronger than ever. I have witnessed these biases several times, including catching myself using negative or offensive words to describe mentally ill people in my own family. Granted I am more aware of these statements now that I am a psychology major, but that still does not excuse the past.