Clean Break

I decided a long time ago to rid my life of negativity. Slowly, my life has been evolving to the place I want it to be.

I began by severing ties with the most negative people in my life, or at least I thought so. However, there are some ties that I have a hard time breaking, as well as those that I just don't feel able to at all. Of course, there is nothing to be done about family, but there are still toxic people I should shake.

Why do I feel bad about breaking these relationships? Because I feel like I am a bad person if I do so. However, I also feel physically ill when I think of how stressful just being in these types of relationships are. Emotionally, I don't have the energy to deal with it. Nobody is perfect, but some people are such leeches on others that they can literally cause an emotional drain when you are around them.

Negativity is contagious, to the extreme. I have done my best to choose positivity and honesty, but it is difficult. I become overly frustrated when the lies start flying. Backstabbing is the least of my concerns. I long ago learned to not put my trust into anyone. It is freeing to think that I don't have to put up with this...

But at the same time I still feel like I do.

Perhaps I feel like the transition into the person I want to be is too scary.

There is another side to this, of course. But also on that side is the stunted growth. Some people are content being miserable and have no desire to grow into better people. They are happy with the mediocre life they have, or at least they are content being miserable. Sounds contradictory? Actually, no. I believe some people enjoy having others feel sorry for them. They feed on it. Instead of trying to better their situation, they consciously or subconsciously look for the next thing to go wrong so they can say, "Poor, pitiful me" and everybody comes running with sympathy.

I have a nearly complete internal locus of control. I believe that I control 95% of what is going on in my life, where I am going, where I have been, etc. I also think that everybody else has this much control, but they choose to not take it. I don't always take as much control as I should, but I recognize those failures as my own. Some things are out of your hands, but you can control how you react to those things, as well as how much control you let those things have over your life.

Many of the toxics in my life act as though they have 50% or less control over their own lives. Above all else, I would not want to raise my son to think that he has this little of control. What is the point of living if you have that little of control over what happens to you?

So, in theory, if I want to grow into being this ideal, I need to stop allowing others to bring me down. This is harder said than done. Perhaps a slow transition will work better than a clean break.

I guess we shall see.