ICU

The ICU waiting room is not the place to be. Yes, there are lots of prayers and hope, but there is also so much sadness. However, we also rejoice when someone gets taken off a ventilator and then when they moved to a room. Every time someone gets good news, you are happy and a bit jealous. This morning I saw a guy, just a kid really, walking past Craig's room. WALKING! with help of course, he was out for nine days. We are on day 5. 5 Days here and they are telling us to give him through the weekend.

But back to the ICU waiting room:

Time is a funny thing here. It is partially frozen and partially flying by. It does tend to pass quickly, but it almost doesn't matter. When I am in Craig's room, I am counting breaths not seconds. In the waiting room I am just in a daze. I feel disconnected from the world, impatient, and so exhausted. When I step back and think, it is hard to believe it has been 5 days of this. How am I still breathing? How am I still sane??

Here we take things one moment at a time. There is no such thing as plans, we don't know what is going to happen or what the future holds. Being in the here and now, that is all that matters. The only plans we make is talking with family and discussing who is getting here when, and before we know it, that time is here.

We aren't allowed to talk about yesterday either. Whether yesterday was good or bad holds no bars for us, we can only focus on today and never compare. Because while it may seem that things are getting worse or better, we can never judge because there are too many factors playing a part.

So, ICU is not a good place to be, but right now and in this moment, there is nowhere else I need to be more and I am not leaving until my brother wakes up or my husband drags me out of here crying.