For my brother

So, I can't talk to my brother right now. I mean, I can, but I don't know that he can hear me, so I thought I would use my blog. Almost nobody reads it anyway.

Craig,

Right now you are sleeping in the ICU, as you have been for the last 5 days. I wish you would wake up, but I am afraid of that too because we don't know what damage you could have when you do wake up.

Yesterday I was singing Adele's "Make You Feel My Love" along with her on Pandora, sitting next to you, holding your hand and I started crying and I said to dad (who was sitting across from me) that I had never been so scared before. You started rubbing your thumb along my hand. I don't know if your body chose that time to stretch your thumb or if you were really trying to comfort me. We just don't know what is you and what is automatic reflexes. However, every little thing you do that seems like you gives me hope that all of this will get better.

Ashley is doing great. She is really responsive and may even come off the ventilator today, so we may be able to speak to her. I don't know what they are planning to tell her about you.

I miss you so much, Craig. I want to see you smile and hear your voice. I want to hear your normal smart ass remarks.

When you wake up, I want to see you more. I want Maddox to see you more. He is worried about you. I didn't want to tell him, but honesty is important as well. There is a fantastic picture of Mo sitting next to your bed in a frame. I want you to see that.

The drive to Hillsboro used to seem so far, so expensive, but not now. Saturday I thought I had lost you, big little brother and I was filled with regrets. Most of our memories are years old, and that is just not adequate.

All of this just seems surreal. I woke up this morning and looked around my hotel room and felt so confused. I knew where I was, but I just want this nightmare to be over. No family should have to go through this. I know you are doing all the fighting right now and you really are making progress, especially with the extent of your brain injuries, but of course, that is not fast enough for any of us.

I love you so much, Craig. I'm going to go hold your hand now and maybe dad and I will sing to you some more b/c that seems to bring you around a little bit. I keep trying to talk dad into singing some Garth because I know that would wake me up.

We are going to get through this.